I'm been lurking on this site for many weeks now, reading the material with fascination. It's shown me that an Internet site doesn't have to be pornographic to be sexually arousing. But more importantly than stirring my loins, it has stirred my hopes for my marriage.
By the end of the year I'll have turned 60. My wife is three years younger than me. We've been married nearly 22 years, and for the last few years the marriage has been virtually sexless.
I can't bear to write a long essay about all the details of our relationship and all the possible causes of the problem: in a nutshell, I believe the main reason is her anger at me for failing to be the financial provider in our home.
In day-to-day life we relate to each other in terms of prickly equality. The only areas in which I'm the boss are the routine male chores of putting out the rubbish, filling the car, and managing the computer. In addition, since I mostly work from home, I'm landed with many of the routine household chores, and cooking the evening meal. She takes responsibility for the interesting meals when we're entertaining, for interior decor, for the garden – and she does the DIY.
If I were to propose taking the role of the head of the household, I would choke on the words, and she would laugh bitterly. Yet I have cause to think that, deep down, that's what she's looking for. There are times when she acts like a child who needs looking after (and I do look after her). And there have been other times when she's bitterly resented my acting like an equal instead of like an assertive man.
I have to find my way out of this. I believe one important direction is to start to earn according to my potential. I'm guilty of having lived off her money, and doing chores around the house isn't sufficient recompense for what I've cheated her of.
Another direction in which I have to grow is being firm with her in those matters where she's irrational and incapable of unsticking herself – areas such as her weight, her fear of professional advancement, her bouts of depression. I know I've provided her with plenty of support in the past; if I can move from being a friend and counsellor to being a firm manager in these areas, perhaps I can take her in hand elsewhere too. I'm determined to have a flourishing sex life, and I'd really like it to be with her. You can imagine how I'm tormented by this site's delectable visions of sex in general, and spanking in particular, enthusiastically given and received.
All my life I've prided myself on being a nice guy, and now I have to face up to the fact that I've been an irresponsible wimp. Do you think it's possible for me to turn my life around at 60?
Best wishes to all of you on this site, and especially to the wonderful women who contribute.
I should proceed with caution. She may be irritable sometimes because - well because she's irritable sometimes. People DO get irritable sometimes - I know I do. If she'd wanted a man with more money she could have married one I suppose, there must have been SOMETHING about you she liked. The fact that you do chores around the house is nice, most women appreciate that - I know I do. And she may be off sex because she's post-menopausal, i understand that a lot of women do go off sex after the menopause, the entrancing Florence King has written on this subject in one of her books 'Lump it or Leave It' I think. If you try to 'Take her in Hand' she may love it, or she may give you a good sock on the jaw, who knows? In my own case it has not provided any mind-blowing lifechanging experiences like some of the people on this site describe, though it quite definitely does improve our sex life. What do I know anyway? Try it by all means, but don't be surprised if you end up in casualty.
It's really hard to say what it is your wife wants. She may in fact be tired of being the financial mainstay of the household. She may be feeling that now that she's not a lot of years away from retirement, she'd like to finally look forward to putting her feet up and letting someone else (you) take care of bringing in the money. Maybe she's caught in that unconscious resentment of being the breadwinner when women in her age group especially were raised to think that the man was going to come along and sweep away all her financial responsibilities.
Or maybe not. I would suggest you sit down with her and find out. I would also suggest that before you consider "taking in hand" the woman who's been your meal ticket all these years, you take yourself in hand and yes indeed, turn your life around and turn yourself into someone YOU admire. Because clearly you don't admire yourself, clearly you think of yourself as a failure, whether or not she is of that opinion. No one is going to admire and look up to and defer judgment to someone who knows very well that he has not made the efforts to live up to his own potential, and trying to take her in hand or take her otk to straighten out her attitude around you is not going to have the slightest chance of success until you do some much needed work on yourself.
Maybe once you do that work, you'll find that she does indeed have a new attitude...and..the hots! for you. And yes, if she hasn't wanted to be spanked and she is near sixty years old, I'd say, don't expect that miracle, but be grateful if it happens.
If I'm in love with a man I'm not in love with how much money he has. He could earn nothing and if he's right for me he's just plain right regardless.
I felt concern when I read about how you feel about yourself. I'd give myself a break if I were you. What is the use in beating yourself up unless (as Dr Phil says) there is something in it for you...some payoff.
I'd try and love myself a little more. If you appear more confident, more content, happier with yourself then who knows what may follow.
Btw I think it's wonderful that you cook and all that. Lot's of women would think that ain't half bad
While I agree with Isabella that you shouldn't beat yourself up so much, I also think it's quite possible that your wife both loves you and feels resentful towards you for failing to provide for her. I'll raise my hand to this myself. It's definitely possible to feel that way, Isabella.
Yes, I agree it's unfair, wrong, bad, whatever, but the feelings remain whether it's fair or reasonable or not. I feel these things too, and I feel guilty about it but can't make myself feel ok about it.
I think it's a security thing. I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way. I know it's really bad to expect this of your husband and I agree he shouldn't have to but the feelings remain, and if that's how Theo's wife feels, he has two choises as I see it: he can say it's not fair and she should support herself, or he can support her. I believe he is taking the best path from the perspective of finding true happiness with his wife. He is working with her not against her, and that's got to be a good thing whether it's fair or not.
Theo, 60 is a young age, don't be thinking that opportunity has passed you by. I'm 74. I married my wife, who is 29 years younger than me, thirteen years ago. Since coming across this site I have learned a lot, and have started to remodel our relationship, so far with some success. It's looking promising.
Another thing: having once told us how you think badly about yourself, I suggest you take immediate steps to change this way of thinking. I have a suggestion to make with regard to this which I will not give here, but if you email me (email@example.com) I will suggest it to you. In the meantime, take some practical, effective steps to become financially strong, however small, and tell us about it on this site, as an update, so we can all be rooting for you. Don't tell us about what you INTEND to do, tell us what you HAVE DONE. You cannot call yourself Head of Household unless you really see yourself as such, and since you don't see yourself in a very HoH light at the moment, and would, as you put it, "choke on the words", that's the first thing you need to do, so that you see yourself in a good light. Then you can start turning your relationship around.
May the wind be at your back, as the Irish say.